Resource: Contending with Authority
Welcome, Parents!
If you’re here, chances are you’re feeling the strain of raising a teenager who seems to question or challenge everything. Rest assured, you’re not alone. In fact, your daughter’s pushback is a normal and necessary part of her journey into adulthood. This stage, what we call “contending with authority,” is one of the seven critical transitions teenagers go through on their way to becoming confident, independent young adults.
What Does It Mean to "Contend with Authority"?
When your teen pushes back, argues, or questions your rules, it’s not simply about defiance. She’s testing the boundaries and trying to figure out where she stands in the world. While it can feel frustrating, this behavior serves a larger developmental purpose.
Through these conflicts, she’s learning to:
Think critically about rules and authority
Develop her own values and sense of self
Build independence in preparation for adulthood
Why It Feels So Intense
As teenagers’ brains develop, they experience emotions more intensely than adults. What might seem like a small issue to you can feel monumental to them. When your daughter reacts with an emotional outburst, it’s not just about the situation at hand—she’s wrestling with how much control she has over her life and testing the limits of her autonomy.
How You Can Support Your Teen During This Phase
Stay Calm, Stay Steady
When emotions are running high, it’s easy to get pulled into the storm. But your calm, steady presence can serve as an anchor. Avoid escalating conflicts by remaining composed, even when your daughter is pushing every button. This shows her that you’re in control and can be relied on to handle difficult situations.
Hold Boundaries With Empathy
While teens need boundaries, they also need to feel heard. Explain the reasons behind your rules, and be willing to discuss them. This doesn’t mean letting go of your expectations, but showing your daughter that you respect her perspective while maintaining your role as her guide.
Balance Freedom and Limits
Allow your teen to make some decisions for herself. The goal isn’t to control every aspect of her life but to help her make safe, thoughtful choices. Offer her opportunities to learn from mistakes, while ensuring there’s a safety net in place when things go wrong.
Model Respectful Dialogue
In moments of conflict, it’s important to model the kind of behavior you want to see. Even when she’s upset, try to engage in calm, respectful conversation. This teaches her how to navigate disagreements in a healthy way.
Recognize the Positive
If your daughter is challenging you, it’s a sign that she’s growing. She’s developing her own voice, her own opinions, and becoming the person she’ll be in adulthood. While it may be difficult in the moment, remember that this phase is laying the groundwork for her future independence and strength.
Resources for this Post and Books for Deeper Insight:
Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish